1 x Horse
1 x Penny whistle
25 x High heel shoes
1 x Balloon
4 x Rings
Ride in on the horse, with your less than dressed son on the back, and play the ‘right of passage’ tune on your penny whistle (available in most good local music stores). Take the 25 high heeled shoes and taste before deflating the balloon. At this point the temperature will rise and the shoot out must commence as soon as the balloon falls silent. Take a ring off each of the fallen victims and place aside to accompany the main course.
4 x Franciscan monks
1 x Red silk underpants
75 gallons x Red paint
1 x Gramophone
200 x Ping Pong Balls
1 x Ladder
1 x Worn-out parasol
1 x Lion
300 x Rabbits
1 x Flute
1 x Guns
1 x Butterfly net
1 x Goat
At this point it’s time to shout ‘Quien?’ as you place the 4 rings in the mouth of your chosen victim. Proceed to dance with the Franciscan monks before retiring to another room where you must meet the Colonel in his rather fetching red silk underpants. Splash the red paint all over your guests in a form that would have you believe it’s actually blood. Then, as your next victim attempts to escape clutching the gramophone, turn your back like a Matador poised ready for the Lion to charge.
Next, castrate the colonel and desert your son in favour of a seductive woman that you will later fondly name ‘bitter water’.
Now you and your guests need to chant nada, nada, nada… until the ping pong balls emerge in the desert. Offer no resistance to the bullets as the limbless climb the ladder along to the hum of gregorian chant.
As the temperature will now be at its hotest point, open the worn-out parasol and enjoy some copulating
beneath the cover of the sand dunes.
When the queen squawks, you know it’s time for a flute drop. Watch, as the rabbits are instantly frozen and your adversary provides the ‘best death ever’ scene, as he continues to twitch and come up for air from beneath the pool of red paint.
Finally, trade the gun for a butterfly net, cover the graves in honey comb, and pass the crucified goat before you’re forsaken and shot into a state of stigmata (whilst witnessing the last temptation).
10 x Barrels
10 x Giant desert beetles
200 x Eye of Providence flags
6 x White suits
1 x Short ladder
1 x Slave
1 x Single revolver
10 x Honey combs
The transformation from gun slinger to pseudo-albino nappy caveman will provide the perfect cover as you kiss the dwarf surrounded by a barrel of laughs.
Cut and shave all the hair off your head (including beard) and suck on the poison of the giant desert beetles before entering the town of the eye of providence.
Round up the 6 white suited men, execute and parade through the street before entertaining the crowds with the dwarf and ladder routine.
Proceed to the geriatric spa, at which point you will need to hang the slave and lose your crowd to a boxing match.
Keep digging the tunnel and chant ‘Tu nos protejes señor, Tu nos protejes señor…’, at which point the single revolver must be used in a game of russian roulette. Each guest must exclaim ‘Milagro’ as they survive the bullet, culminating in a young child grabbing the gun, at which point use the remaining paint to cover the child’s head and wall behind.
After this ordeal, it’s time to return to the old religion, by escaping the decadent basement and marrying the dwarf.
However, beware of the twist, as the abandoned son reimerges leaving you with no option than to release all the incestuous undesirables through the tunnel into the town… where they are duly massacred.
Time to take down the whole town in a blaze of glory and then set yourself on fire before resting in a honey comb dressed grave.
Warning: Do try this at home.